We have rounded up some of the best collections of funny one-liners on life, funny quotes, hilarious captions, and sarcastic status messages and jokes. St. Patrick's Day puns that totally sham-rock. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. For more info visit: Privacy Policy & settings. Pro-Tip #6: Pick a joke and frame it around your real-life experience. 2. Leaders who dont listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say. Andy Stanley, 26. What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. Famous funny guy Charlie Chaplin once said, "A day without laughter is a day wasted," and we couldn't agree more. I did an original sin. 70 Resentment Quotes To Let Go Your Bitter Feelings, 120 Good Morning Quotes, Wishes, Messages & Images. 63. One. Duct tape is silver. - Anonymous, The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. They know how to use a person or a situation for their own benefits. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are. We recommend our users to update the browser. Witty one liners means instant laughs. Men marry women hoping they will not. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving. While being motivating and inspiring are the top of the list qualities that come to mind first, another important characteristic is the ability to be funny, witty, and clever in stuck up situations. He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn. 36 Witty & Wacky Icebreaker Jokes To Tell At Your Next Meeting 100 Funny One-Liners That Will Get You Laughing - Reader's Digest Funny online dating profile quotes - Love Find 20 Funny Father's Day Gifts 2023 - Best Gag Gifts for Dad 31. These cookies do not store any personal information. "I have a lot of growing up to do. Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Our site includes quite a bit of content, so if you're having an issue finding what you're looking for, go on ahead and use that search feature there! 50. 78. Question:Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer: To prove to the opossum that it could be done. Interested in a content partnership? 40 One-Liner Jokes That'll Crack Up Your Friends Best Life That is your bosss job. Anonymous, 22. In this article, we shall read some really funny and sarcastic quotes that will help you see why life should always be taken with a pinch of salt. A good ice breaker joke tells your audience that youre charming and funny, someone theyll enjoy talking to as much as their best friend. Life really does begin at forty. To see a mans true face, look to the photos he hasnt posted. As the sayings go, we only get one shot at this adventure we call life and weve compiled these 80 funny one-liners about life to bring you a giggle. A gummy bear. One bad chapter does not mean your story is over. This website uses cookies so that we can provide you with the best user experience possible. A lab report. When I say I am a bad electrician somebody gets shocked and my community still wonders why. 1. Report. Yeah, they got him on possession. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. Lucie Turkel is a lifestyle and culture writer covering the latest in holidays, books, movies and television, and e-commerce for RD.com. The wife says that yes, he could. Seven days without laughter makes one weak. Mort Walker, 17. 61. Both. 55 Refreshingly Funny Quotes About Life to Get You - YourDictionary There are too many witnesses for me to tell you what I really think. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. We'll see how that works out for you. Opening your meeting with a little humor via icebreaker jokes, even your cheesiest knock-knock jokes or dad jokes, can: Make your meeting life start feeling more like your best life with the icebreaker jokes below. No need to repeat. Three guys walked into a bar. Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines. Robert H. Schiuller, 67. If you disable this cookie, we will not be able to save your preferences. Take the Quiz Phyllis Diller, 82. Dont take life too seriously. "Joan Rivers, 44. One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store. I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian. We hope you enjoy this website. Nobel who? Of course I wouldnt say anything about her unless I could say something good. Our child has a great deal of willpowerand even more wont power. The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin, 10. 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. I just want to eat." You've perfected overthinking as an art form. Ellen DeGeneres, 76. Sometimes a humorous quip can help everyone relax. This website uses cookies to improve your experience. RD.COM Arts & Entertainment Quotes Funny. 86. Nothing, it was on the house. He never reads any of mine. (Spike Milligan), 5) Before coming here tonight I was discussing my talk with my [partner] and [they] said to me: Dont try to be too charming, too witty or too intellectual, just be yourself. (Laffgaff), 6) Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Then turn to these bad jokes that you cant help but laugh at, short jokes that anyone can remember, and for the little ones, short jokes for kids. Tags: 1 line dad jokes 1 line puns 1 liner joke of the day 1 liner jokes 1 liners 10 best one liners 100 best one liners 100 funny quotes and one liners 1000 short funny jokes 101 best one liners 1950's one liners 2 line funny jokes in english 2 line jokes 2019 one liners 2020 one liners 21 one liner jokes 30 great one liners 5 one liners 52 of . Sometimes, the best part of my job is that the chair swivels. Anonymous, 47. ] [Jerry Seinfeld uses this technique. 64. Missile toe. Looking for a funny quote or saying to reflect the humor that underlies many facets of life? 16. SnackNation is a healthy office snack delivery service that makes healthy snacking fun, life more productive, and workplaces awesome. 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. "Benjamin Franklin, 30. Life is not a fairy tale, if you lose your shoe at midnight, youre drunk. Unknown, 18. Because seven eight nine. "If at first you don't succeed, try management . 71: One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday - eight hours. Tech Blog Change the world by being yourself. Amy Poehler, 73. One liner tags: people, puns. Be nice to your kids. Turns out, he just locked me in the closet. (Brain Champagne), 5) What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? POST. Now that I have children, I understand the scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda is so tired of answering Lukes questions, he just up and dies., People Also Ask These Questions About Icebreaker Jokes, Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.". 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny - Scary Mommy Do people, and humor, there's so plenty time. A polar bear. It wont be long before they start sending regrettable texts and waking up with headaches. 94. Best One Liners 1. Nobel. What do you call a bear with no teeth? People say I'm condescending. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. FAQ Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls, 37. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin, 50. It comes naturally to them. Fields, 12. Your email address will not be published. (Ex: Do you know what I love most about baseball? Who is this Rorschach guy, and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting? We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. The first slide was my paycheck. Anonymous, 17. I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Contact Us Why dont pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? Life is an adventure and getting wherever you are going is half the fun. Unknown, 31. I can sit and look at it for hours. And guess what? Funny work quotes are some of the only things strong enough to fight off the Sunday Scariesby joking about Monday morning, of course. Milne, 49. Herman said, "It's not just one car. Did you hear they arrested the devil? 1. by Team Scary Mommy. "People say, How you stay looking so young? I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup." Obsessed with travel? "The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone." "It is not easy being a mother. Did you hear about the circus fire? Reality is wrong, dreams are for real. Tupac, 65 Positive Aging Quotes About Getting Older Gracefully, 65 Incredible Quotes About Taking Chances, 120 Fascinating Wise Quotes That Will Grow Your Mind, 30 Funny Birthday Quotes And Wishes For A Card Or Message. I dont know, but its flag is a big plus! (Best Life). "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Why didnt Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? She is also the author of the 2018 novel Indecent. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora.'. What is the sound of no-hands texting? Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. Why did the rooster cross the road? I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. Happiness depends upon ourselves. Aristotle, 48. 98. Funny Funeral One-Liners to Share. Valentine's Day puns that are simply the zest. "I love mankind it's people I can't stand!! 80. It is normal and easy to fall into the trap of autopilot and feels overwhelmed by lifes stresses, so why not take a break, have a read, and then share your favorite witty one-liners on life with loved ones to brighten their day. Laughter. Everyones eyes glaze over before youve even warmed up. "Garry Shandling, 36. 43. This will go much faster if you just accept that I am right. Persist while others are quitting. William Arthur Ward, 45. Its not stroganoff. Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep. Charles M. Schultz, 30. "Reality continues to ruin my life. Dolly Parton, 56. 54. ~ Tallulah Bankhead, "Never argue with a woman when she's tiredor when she's rested. Its Monday morning, and the incessant trill of your alarm has woken you from a pretty great dream. Wittiest Sex Quotes Ever | Psychology Today Rapport is especially important for presentations where youre trying to persuade an audience of strangers, and you can build rapport with people youve never met (and may not have anything in common with) by using some of the funniest jokes you can find. "I hate housework. 70. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public. Unknown, 29. I never knew my real ladder. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. We all have hopes and aspirations, though some peoples goals are more active than others. Be the life of the office and add to the company culture. I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday and 5% Friday. Anonymous, 35. Life without coffee is like something without somethingsorry, I havent had any coffee yet. Unknown, 6. Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4. 6. Grief is an isolating emotion, but funerals give people the opportunity to connect and support each other. 20. Interviewer to job applicant: Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?. You dont know anyone, however, if you tell the right joke, you might find yourself feeling like youve known everyone for years. Going hungry during your next meeting. "George Bernard Shaw, 78. The nature of life is to change. William Arthur Ward, 14. 69: Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are. Shirley MacLaine, 57. My father is allergic to cotton. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would." Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Jesus, Matthew 6:27, 9. the racing snail that got rid of his shell? "I always cook with wine. Some men say they dont wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps. The baby knew she was ready to be born because she was running out of womb. God must love stupid people because he made so many of them., 66. Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. The adventure of life is to learn. "Life is like a box of chocolates. 69. 9. 37. Privacy Policy. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect". "Kevin Malone, The Office, 21. Ernest Hemingway, 29. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life Unknown, 11. Theres a lot to be said in his favor, but its not nearly as interesting. (Ex: My friend took me to what he said was an escape room. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot. As I have gotten older and wiser, I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job: payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays and, of course, retirement. Tom Goins(new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=38cf8a01-c7b4-4a61-a61b-8c0be6528f20&cid=877050e7-52c9-4c33-a20b-d8301a08f96d'; cnxps.cmd.push(function () { cnxps({ playerId: "38cf8a01-c7b4-4a61-a61b-8c0be6528f20" }).render("6ea159e3e44940909b49c98e320201e2"); }); 2. If your carriage turns into a pumpkin, call an Uber. 68. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, 57. The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright), 3) I heard a story that the band Blink-182 incorporated under the name Poo Poo Butt LLC to embarrass their accountants in serious conversations., 4) I thought Id begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? The hard part is getting them into the light bulb. These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever and witty. Dam! So did everyone else on the submarine), Disrupts expectations via incongruity between a concept, situation, or idea. Life is accepting what is and working from that. Gloria Naylor, 43. - John Leonard. Groucho Marx. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. Tact is for those who arent funny enough for sarcasm. If you're around someone who sucks all the air out of the room, go to another room. Drink two of them and youll forget what your Namath. If you need a little extra cheering, listen to these funny podcasts during your morning commute. "Bill Watterson, 10. Easy. One liner tags: people, puns. Do not walk beside me, either. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. "As you get older, three things happen. Why did the parents not like their sons biology teacher? 33. Robert Frost. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. And I also know that I'm not blonde." Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. "The meaning of life is to give life meaning." - Ken Hudgins 2. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in. She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet shell mark the exact spot. 89. 9. Patty OFurniture. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. Frightfully funny . Whether your dream job entails selling, consulting or sleeping till noon, these funny work quotes are sure to resonate. Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller. All rights reserved. (PS A truly energizing icebreaker joke is a great way to open up a team building event or activity and help everyone enter the right mindset to participate in the fun. Why cant you trust an atom? Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry-erase board has to be the most remarkable. Elbert Hubbard, 6. Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones? 15) I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 8. We hold major institutions accountable and expose wrongdoing. "Do not take life too seriously. Knock, knock. About Luckily, this is not difficult." Clever people are smart, witty, and intelligent. I am a professional, but I have a lot of Nutrasweet in my system and I dont have a good short-term memory., 3) I have, you know, a lot of things I want to discuss with you and I dont even remember what they are. About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends., It is a good thing to learn caution from the misfortunes of others., You cant belay a man whos falling in love. ~ Edward Abbey, A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. 93. If you have to go around telling people how awesome you are, there's a pretty good chance that you're the only one who actually thinks so. The best funny one-liners Shutterstock "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." "It's never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. When you're looking for a saying to help you deal with the ups and downs of day-to-day life, a short original motto, popular saying or quote that provides funny words to live by might be exactly what you need. 79. 67. Cheers! Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias, 25. 1) A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you dont need it. (Bob Hope), 2) Did you hear about the person that died while opening a window?